DOCTOR PSYCH!!!!!PLEASE HELP ME! I have been feeling ill lately and I don’t know if I am sick or if there is a bad omen in my horoscope. My symptoms are high fever, fatigue, sever headache, backache, malaise, a rash that is raised and pink, delirium, vomiting, diarrhea, and excessive bleeding. What should I do?!?!?
-Vomiting Virgo
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Dear Vomiting Virgo,
Since this has come to my attention, I have been doing much research in your illness, and I am worried it may be something called smallpox along with a most terrible horoscope. Do not fear! Although your symptoms and bad horoscope may seem frightening, there is a little cure i can use for these smallpox. First, soak a piece of linen in a mix of peony root and rose oil and apply to the affected areas. Second, eat some chicken broth to help the vomiting and headache, and then wear some red cloth and drape red around your room.
As to your horoscope, illness is going to take its place, and in order to overcome your illness, you must turn to your coworkers and classmates to see if they're in the same position you are. First hand experience informs what they say to you and keep in mind that they might be leaving out some gory details for your own good. Godspeed, and get well soon!
--M.D. PSYCH
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